Anger

Angry horse photo (via Canva - photographer uncredited)

Do you ever find yourself just wanting to be angry?  Not wanting to let it go, clinging to the perceived offense?

Yeah, me too.

I was there not long ago.  The details don’t matter but I found myself angry at how someone else responded to a situation.  My thoughts were circling around beliefs that the other person “shouldn’t be angry”, “has nothing to do with me”, “should do their own work to get their anger under control”, and many more.  

I was angry at their anger. I felt it was an attack on me directly.  I wanted to unleash my own anger and fury.  I wanted to slam doors, start an all out argument, raise my voice, and all of the other behaviors that happen when I allow myself to get hooked by something and roll into righteous indignation.  But at the same time I was struggling.  I know this hook and have bitten on it like a hungry trout many times. My awareness was there and I completely understood how ludicrous it was that I was angry because someone else was angry. I was about to let myself get caught up in the drama when absolutely nothing in the situation was at all about me or my actions.  Yet I wanted to be mad!  I wanted to let myself go and let it rip.  I paused instead.

There!  There it is…the “ah-ha” moment!  I wanted to be angry.  And as much as I was letting myself get caught up in the moment, the professional coach in me was already asking the question of “why do you want to be angry Blair?” Oh damn.  Now the balloon was popping and deflating and the grown-up inside of me was back in the driver’s seat.  My curiosity was piqued and I moved into the “why” exploration.  Why did the other person’s anger become a trigger?  Was there really a boundary that had been crossed?  And for me, the most important one for this situation, why did I want to be angry?

I am not sure I have a complete answer to that question yet but I am getting there.  Our answers are usually not in our heads and are more accessible if we tune into our bodies and internal “knowing”.  After I realized I wanted to be angry I spent some time getting back in touch with my body and quieting the noise in my head.  As I went to bed last night my final thoughts were not on this issue but rather on three things experienced in the day for which I was grateful.  Doing this practice every night helps ensure my brain is processing with a positive approach while I sleep.  And then this morning begins the same as all of my mornings, with time outdoors with the horses and dogs, doing chores and practicing presence in the moment.  When it was time to let my thoughts shift to the situation from yesterday it was immediately apparent to me that my want to be angry actually had nothing to do with the triggering situation at all.  It was actually tied to a couple of other frustrating challenges I am currently facing. 

Imagine for a moment what the potential sequelae could be if I had swallowed that hook yesterday.  A full-on argument which would have no resolution since it wasn’t even an issue - just more damage done to relationships.  And then there is the probability I would have entirely missed connecting to the real issues which really do need my attention.  Whew…I am so glad that I have been practicing new ways of being, pause, and radical inquiry. It was the latter in this case and without it I could have allowed so many negative things to happen.

My experience of anger is pretty new to me as I was raised to keep my emotions in control and anger was something I stuffed deep down inside of me most of my life.  It has only been in the past decade that I have started developing a healthy relationship with anger (and other emotions) and understanding that it is not a negative emotion.  However, that understanding started as a purely intellectual process and the deeply wired response to anger that I have is still changing slowly.  When I pause and get in tune with my body I frequently find that I am still prone to suppressing the anger, a very young child response for me, or sometimes it is the righteous indignation response which is my “young adult” response. It will take more practice with anger for me to get my response wiring to be consistently a grown-up one. I am once again reminded to recognize the growth that I have experienced and the grace that I need to give myself knowing there is more work to be done.

Why do I share this?  

We all have our patterns of response, our wiring, that was developed mostly in our pre-verbal years.  As very young children we had very limited responses to situations and each of us has our own unique wiring patterns that resulted from those early experiences.  At some point in our lives those patterns no longer serve us well and we have the ability to develop new wiring - this is the science around neuroplasticity. And here is the rub - it generally isn’t easy work.  And it usually takes help.

My work over the past several years has been with most of the emotions and learning to recognize them, accept that they are present, allow myself to feel them, and develop the wiring patterns to choose an intentional response to them.  This ranges from anger to joy.  Rejecting, suppressing, clinging, and other “younger” responses are being replaced by the ability to recognize when they are present,  allow and feel  them, and investigate what I need in that moment to support myself.  This is the journey of mindfulness and the journey of growth.

I am not special! Especially not in this need to transform and grow.   Each and every one of us has our “childlike” response patterns and each of us can make a difference in our lives and the lives of those around us if we take on this work.  This is the work of personal leadership!  As a mom I have experienced a deep transformation in my relationships with my daughters.  As a partner, I have completely changed my way of being in a relationship.  In my professional life I have experienced a profound shift and clarity to my purpose to help others on their journey.  And as a citizen and community member, even in this time of growing division, I have a growing sense of grace and compassion for others as I cultivate more and more connection.

This is the journey on which I support my clients in my work as a transformational & developmental coach - a mindful and intentional journey to be our best selves!