Nature & Community
Mushrooms and fungi do it. Trees and plants do it. Bees do it. Horses, wolves, elephants, whales and so many more animals do it. What is “it"? “It” is not only surviving but actually thriving when part of a community. We now know that so much of the natural world has evolved to work together in relationships - communicating through contact, chemical signals, pheromones, sounds, and so many other languages. Imagine, if you will, that trees work together in community to share nourishment and to signal danger to more distant trees - during my lifetime this concept has evolved from whispered “what if they could '' to now being supported by rigored scientific research. Wow! And then there is the whole fantastic world of the mycelial and mycorrhizal networks that is alive and well under my feet at this moment. Tiny “threads” of fungal material connecting individual plants to share water and other nutrients! We know that where these networks thrive the soil is healthy, plants such as vegetables and fruits are much healthier as well as being full of nutrients and taste. In soil that has been overworked, not replenished, and treated with chemicals then the plants are weaker, the food grown has far less nutritional value and much less taste. This tired and dead soil has no earthworms, insects, beneficial bacteria, nourishing fungi - soil where there is no community.
So if we are to step back and look at humankind what would we say about our need for community? We also evolved to survive in groups and even developed emotions, such as shame, to help us learn to work together and stay in groups (a subject worthy of its own blog). Originally we lived in small bands then tribes. It was generally not safe to be alone and it was not effective to try to hunt game or gather food alone either. It is hypothesized that “the awareness of loneliness evolved to serve as a signal that one’s connections to others are frayed or broken and to motivate the repair and maintenance of the connections to others that are needed for our health and well being as well as for the survival of our genes” (Cacioppo et al., 2006). Research also supports that in social species, living on the “edge” of the social group is associated with shorter lifespans, illness, and many other symptoms of failure to thrive. (Cacioppo et al., 2014)
This blog is not to be an exhaustive dive into the research but more to ponder what is happening to our species right now. There are currently over eight (8) billion humans on Earth in 2023. Many live in huge cities, towns, housing complexes and work in companies with hundreds to thousands of people. Yet many, and myself included, believe that we have lost our sense of community. We no longer live in multigenerational households and frequently live in different towns, states or countries from our families of origin. We don’t gather in groups to hunt, farm, prepare meals, raise families or have celebrations. Our elderly frequently live in isolated “communities” with others in their age range and minimal interactions outside. We develop friendships in our youth and school years but as we move into adulthood with jobs that require relocation, the growth of our families and the omnipresent activity of raising our children, we only see each other on social media and via the annual holiday card influx.
Understanding the evolution of needing others, it is no surprise that we are suffering from the lack of true community and all the benefits that come with those groups. I see it every day, the subject is in the news regularly, fodder for memes (think about all the memes and jokes about men not having a friend group), and I have experienced it myself for a long time. About five years ago, with the help of my coach, I listened to the calling to start intentionally building my community. Each person’s community will look different from another but there are some considerations. First, it will take time to find your community and it may actually be a combination of communities (work, hobby based, friendship based, etc). Secondly, with time, you are able to develop a deep network of relationships with a common thread that connects you. As those relationships deepen then the connection will support the “whole” of you and not just the part of your life related to the common thread. For example, if you are part of a group that has the connection of gardening to support pollinators and you cultivate one or two deeper relationships from that thread then those become true friends - there for you not only in mutual love of butterflies and hummingbirds, but also when your marriage is in a period of flux, or you lose your job, or you are celebrating a major life change! And you are there for each other - through the proverbial thick and thin. And the third consideration is that you may need to be the one doing more of the “lift” than you expect. Many have the belief that relationships are always or almost always a “50/50” balance of lift but that just isn’t the way it works for most. One of my deepest connections is with a woman who is just not good at reaching out to set up time! However, when we do get together every few weeks, she is deeply present and holds the most wonderful space for me and vice versa. She always thanks me for being the one to take the lead on the organizing and we both recognize that there would be a real loss if I were holding on to that “50/50” belief and waited for her to reach out. We have to be willing to meet others where they are in life if we want them to be able to meet us.
Another important construct is that our communities should include more than friends. We need elders, mentors, guides, sponsors (yes that is different from a mentor), teachers, coaches, body workers, healers, family members, spiritual leaders, and more. A resilient community is one that supports us in many ways and in our many needs. It allows us to do the same for others too. The nourishment is in both the being a member who is supported and, in this case, the doing for others too. Being there for someone else, in your role, fully present and engaged with the interaction, is truly supportive for them and you - the feeling of that connection is nourishing on many levels.
The final thought I would like to share is on the prioritization of building your community. There is growing content from relationship experts, mental health experts and social scientists that one of the potential impacts from the lack of community is an over reliance on those closest to you to be that support for your needs - sometimes all of them. Our spouse, partner, child or one “best friend” cannot fulfill all of the roles of the community and it is a set-up for failure if we have those expectations. Many of us feel so time-strapped already that we believe we need to spend any spare moment with those closest to us but, if we are not fully supported in our many needs then it is doubtful that we are showing up in our best possible way. Just as exercise is needed for the body and mindfulness is needed for the mind, we must be nourishing our “selves” in community to be able to nourish others with high quality attention and presence.
“An empty vessel cannot serve others”~unknown.
With metta,
Blair
References
Cacioppo JT, Hawkley LC, Ernst JM, Burleson M, Berntson GG, Nouriani B, et al. Loneliness within a nomological net: An evolutionary perspective. Journal of Research in Personality. 2006;40(6):1054–1085.
Cacioppo JT, Cacioppo S, Boomsma DI. Evolutionary mechanisms for loneliness. Cogn Emot. 2014;28(1):3-21. doi: 10.1080/02699931.2013.837379. Epub 2013 Sep 25. PMID: 24067110; PMCID: PMC3855545.