The Apology - A Humbling & Courageous Gift
A Cold December Morning on the Farm
Not my best self
During the holiday season this year I found myself repeating a behavior that is not one of which I am proud. We all have them - habits of thought or actions that we are not proud of at all. I won’t share the whole story here as the details aren’t important - however I will share that I have a deep belief and commitment to learning to use my voice for good. It is important to me that my actions and words be in service of myself, others, the Earth, or the greater community of sentient beings. But alas, I am human. And sometimes what comes out of my mouth or an action I take is hurtful, confusing, duplicitous, or otherwise some form of unskillful speech.
Intent and Impact
In the past, when I have had a negative impact on someone, my focus would be on my intent, or actually my “lack-of-intent” to cause suffering. Upon reflection now, I suppose the reasoning in my mind was that if I did not intend to have a negative impact then I really was not “guilty” of anything. What was entirely missing in my way of thinking was that, regardless of my intent, I still had a negative impact. I caused pain. It might have been to someone’s feelings, made them feel “less than”, reinforced a cultural bias, perhaps caused physical pain, or hurt them in some way in which I am not even aware.
We are wired to defend and protect our own sense of self. And my focus on the intention side of the equation is just that, a defensive mechanism. Which makes the whole interaction and experience about ME! Even if I apologized, my focus on intent meant I was focused on trying to make myself feel better and not own my actions/words and what they caused someone else to experience. Think about it…”I am so sorry, I didn't mean to….” is all about “I” and not about the other person.
Think about the last time someone’s words or actions caused you to suffer and if they even apologized, how did that land with you? Was it a veiled defense or truly an owning of their actions and the impact? How does one feel to you versus the other when you are on the receiving end?
Self-compassion & vulnerability
There may be some of you reading this who are really pushing back on what I have shared so far. I get it - I did too! We are wired to avoid unpleasant experiences. They are presumed to be dangerous so we innately avoid unpleasant feelings and even actively defend ourselves against them - and it comes with a cost. Recognizing our own failures to be our “best selves” is very unpleasant. It can bring up a ton of feelings, emotions, and even past woundings or traumas that may trigger us in various ways.
It takes a fairly robust self-awareness skill set to move away from the defensiveness we are wired for in these situations. A person needs to be able to recognize their own feelings and emotions as they arise AND to be able to sit with, or allow, that feeling to be present but not drive the reaction. When I made my unskillful statement during the holidays and it was reacted to, I was able to recognize the very strong feelings that arose when I was confronted. Internally, I acknowledged them and named them - fear, sense of failure, shame, etc. This is a fairly new skill set for me and has only come with a lot of work with meditation, therapy, and practice with recognizing feelings don’t have to drive reaction.
Self-compassion is the practice of turning compassion inward with kindness and understanding to the self. This is instead of being self-critical, flagellating one’s self, and other ways of “beating up” the self. It is an understanding of our own humanity and that perfection is not an ideal or a realistic state - we are all “works in progress.” When we have an awareness of what is coming up and can practice self-compassion then we can make the choice to be vulnerable and respond accordingly. To be vulnerable during an apology means to intentionally put aside any form of defense, focus on the fact there was a negative impact caused, and to put the other person/group in the forefront of your heart and mind. I get it, vulnerability is very tough…but with practice we can learn that taking off our protective armor, keeping our defense system off-line, and holding self and the other person/group with compassion can lead to great changes in relationships.
What is an apology
At its root, an apology is a statement of responsibility and regret for harm done. It must be heartfelt, authentic, and honest. And it is best when it is very clearly spoken and includes the specific harmful or hurtful action that occurred and the impact. Perhaps it is more clear to share what is not part of an authentic apology. There is no explanation of “why”, no justifications, no defense, and no shift of responsibility included. That is not to say that there wasn’t a host of reasons that may have led to the action but ultimately, the person/group who committed the action are responsible for their actions. In my case, there was a lot of deep background that led me to be patterned to make my hurtful statement but that does not excuse me from being responsible for the pain my statement caused. I could have, and should have, handled the situation in a much more mature manner and long before it came to this point.
The other key point in an apology is that it is not an “escape hatch” from the discomfort of your actions and there should be no expectation of the other “accepting” it at all. An apology is a statement - not a request to the person harmed to excuse or forgive you. They may. They may not. The apology needs to happen either way.
It is a practice
Deep honesty here - I am a novice at apologizing! I have a lifetime of believing that I was not really responsible for a lot of the things I have done because of someone else’s actions, childhood programming, etc. It has been during some recent work in the past couple of years where I have gained new perspectives on intent, impact, and responsibility. So now I am practicing. And I am not really consistently skillful at it yet either. But fear isn’t keeping me from stepping into my responsibility and accountability now. It is not at all easy - I feel the defenses mounting each time and have to process that and then continue with my apology. Sometimes I have to take a few hours to process, work through “my stuff” and then get myself really centered on my commitment to treat others as I would like to be treated and then I apologize. And when I apologize, I stumble over my words sometimes. I am not particularly eloquent in the midst of the emotions that arise - my tendency is to be very conflict avoidant so my urges to flee the situation are very strong. But I am learning to stay. To speak more clearly. To own my actions and the impact. And to become my better self.
It is a gift - to your relationships, to self, and to the souls around you
As hard as it might be to do, an apology is a multi-faceted gift. First, you are giving yourself the greatest gift of integrity to your values and being your best self. There is a great dissonance that occurs when we do not act in aligned ways - even if no one else knows about it. When you follow through with the apology, you are restoring a sense of harmony for your own wellbeing. Secondly, it is the gift of honoring the harmed person/group with your deep respect. The action of apologizing communicates an authentic valuing of them that words,alone, can’t really convey. And then there is the gift to the greater community of people - those in your sphere, those around the person receiving the apology, and then the wider community. You are role modeling when you give an authentic apology. You are making it clear that you value others and yourself. The positive impact is probably much bigger than anyone can realize but in this world where there is great focus on negativity, you have helped shift the energy equation - and it matters!
Feeling Stuck?
If you recognize some of these patterns in your life and communications but are not sure how to make those changes - don't be afraid to ask for help. These are the types of issues where coaching may be very effective in helping you improve your relationships.
So are you interested in how to language a good apology and more? Keep your eyes out for my next blog as this subject warrants its own space and time!