I Need to Apologize…
Recap from previous post
In the last blog (https://theliminalway.com/blog/the-apology) I shared a lot of thoughts on the need for courageous and authentic apologies and this led to several requests to go deeper into the “how” of languaging and offering the apology. In doing that I also want to make sure it is explicitly clear that I am not an expert in this area and, in total honesty, am relatively new to this practice myself! My past experiences in apologizing have generally not been from a place of vulnerability, compassion, or humility. They have been from a place of fear - of conflict, anger, consequences, etc. And in coming from fear they were defensive in nature and focused on minimizing the impact TO ME. It has taken me a long time and a lot of deep work in therapy, coaching, and spiritual growth to be able to say that…and write it for all to read. I am still learning.
Note, for the purpose of this blog and clarity I will be approaching the details in the context of one person apologizing to another. The concepts can be carried forth when it is to a group however may require some variations that are not possible to cover well in a blog.
The Timing
Previously I shared that, at its root, an apology is a statement of responsibility and regret for harm done. It must be heartfelt, authentic, and honest. And it is best when it is very clearly spoken and includes the specific harmful or hurtful action that occurred and the impact. Sounds simple enough right? Ha! Remember, even the most practiced and emotionally regulated person will still frequently be dealing with their own internal milieu of fear, defensiveness, shame, guilt, etc. which all make being vulnerable, mindful, compassionate, and eloquent really difficult. And that applies to the person who has been harmed by your actions as well. When someone has been offended or harmed, they are also not likely to be emotionally regulated and neuroscience has confirmed that our ability to listen is severely impacted during a dysregulated state.
Timing is a balance - you both need to be in as much of an emotionally regulated state as possible AND the apology needs to be done as soon as possible to prevent further damage to the relationship. In the absence of your apology the other person is likely imagining all sorts of stories about the situation which almost always makes things worse.
The Language
There are so many nuances to how we communicate and the importance of our roles as the communicator in an apology! It is usually best that we keep an apology simple, succinct, honest, and direct.
Introduce that you would like to apologize. It might go something like this: “John, I would like to apologize.”
Call out the action for which you are apologizing AND the impact. “I am really sorry that my action of _______ (e.g. raising your voice, being late, missing an event, etc) has caused you to experience ________ (e.g. fear, pain, feeling ignored, a feeling of disrespect, etc.”
You may want to stop there or possibly make a statement such as “It was not my intention for you to feel that way however I completely understand that it was the impact and for that I am really sorry.”
From there it is time for you to listen.
Notice there is no language of defensiveness - no reasons that led up to the event or action, etc. They do not matter and completely take away from your apology. This is not about you feeling better about your actions but about owning the action and its impact regardless of why the action took place. That can be a really hard pill to swallow for most people and in our current society - I have struggled with this for many years myself.
The Reaction
An apology is not a given in order to receive forgiveness - that would mean it is still about you and your needs and not actually about the other person. Think about that for a long minute. If you are expecting, and need, to be forgiven or absolved of any wrongdoing then what you are doing is asking for that and it is not truly about your remorse for causing some type of harm to the other person.
The other person may not have anything to say, may wave it off, may feel guilty for their own reaction, or may totally unleash on you. You won’t know how it is going to be taken and it doesn’t matter. You are owning your actions and it is not about theirs. There are a tremendous amount of factors in the relationship, their history with you, with others and many completely unknown to you that will drive their reaction. Most likely how the other person reacts is more about their history than about the offense.
However they react, try to maintain your listening presence, compassion for their pain and experiences, and by all means, do not revert to defensiveness and do not go on the attack. Your job is to understand the impact and if needed, repeat the apology, perhaps along the lines of: “Again, I am so sorry for the pain my actions have caused you.”
There are extreme situations where the person to whom you are apologizing has experienced some pretty deep wounding in their history and they may become completely unregulated and respond with a verbal attack or more. Your safety (emotional and physical) needs to be cared for and if you are in harm's way it is appropriate to ask for a time-out or state that you are not feeling safe and that you are leaving for now. If either one of you is in a state of dysregulation then there is no point of going on and it is far better to reconvene when there is calm and respectful listening.
Apologies are More Than Just Words - Actions Matter
This is an area that may also require a lot of honest and deep reflection. Of course there are “one-off” incidents that are not at all likely to be repeated. However many of us find ourselves in situations where, despite our best intentions, we keep running into similar types of actions that are causing issues with others with whom we have ongoing relationships (work, friends, or intimate).
Most of us have probably experienced situations where someone has apologized for an action and then goes on to repeat it over and over. We may give up, end the relationship or job, become angry, passive aggressive or act out our frustrations in many other ways. And the flip-side is true as well - our ongoing actions will damage the relationship. An apology becomes worthless to the person if we just continue to repeat the action.
If you do not understand the reasons that led to your actions in the first place then you are likely to repeat it again. And I am not talking about the superficial reasons that are on the tips of our tongues when we are trying to justify the action but the ones deep down, coming from within our own shadows (the parts of us we don’t like to explore or acknowledge) and mostly below are awareness unless we are looking. We each have our own history of experiences from our very earliest childhood all the way to the present and these build our patterns and programming of our actions and reactions. If these patterns are explored, usually with the help of a coach and/or therapist, then we can begin to understand how to change them. However, without exploration, we are bound to repeat the offense.
Moving on…
Remember, apologizing well is a practice and takes a great deal of practice. Most of us have a lot of opportunities to practice since we are human! Intentionally trying to shift from our conditioned need to alleviate our own discomfort and instead owning our actions and their impact is a great learning experience and “growth-edge”. We can start to understand more about ourselves and also other people - hopefully becoming more compassionate to both!
Please let me know if you found this blog helpful and keep your eyes on this space for continuing explorations of our humanity!
With metta,
Blair