Says WHO?! Time to change some rules.

A curious mind with dirty little hands!

Oh to be as free as little kid again!

Is it “who says” or “says who”?  Or maybe the better question is “just who exactly makes the rules?”! 

So it is time for a big confession that will be of NO surprise to those who know me – I have always been a rule follower!  The list of “should” and “should nots” is very strong and yet I am not exactly sure how they came to be.  I am not going to venture down the deep rabbit hole of where and why at this time though…that is for a later blog post.  But today, let’s talk about 3 all too common rules and their impacts on us!

Rule #1

Thou shall not make a mess (or get dirty). Now this is a rule I’ve struggled with for most of my life. I am a bit of a messy person by nature.  Stacks of papers and books, clothes on the ironing board, dogs in the house and the subsequent dog hair everywhere you look.  If you’re like me, you can probably hear that nagging, almost panicked voice in your head – “clean up this mess”, “clean your room”, “clear the clutter” and so on.  And I have spent my life learning to dedicate more and more time to cleaning up and feeling a huge sense of guilt and even shame when I am not successful. After all, what will the company think?! What kind of woman am I if I can’t keep my household clean?

I now have the belief/opinion that we spend far too much of our precious time worrying about what other people think and trying to make our surroundings “perfect.” when our lives are so obviously not.  If you are the most comfortable with your surroundings in a neat and orderly manner, then by all means - clean to your heart’s content. But make sure you’re cleaning for the right reasons!

I am going to push that we need to get dirty and messy sometimes.  We need to let go of what we’re supposed to be doing in favor of experiencing the moment.  We need to feel the touch of living soil on our fingers as we work the garden beds.  We need not worry about coloring in the lines and just play with color.  We need to feel the grime of some sweat and dirt after mowing the yard, going on a hike or playing in the grass.  We need to take our shoes off and walk barefoot – feeling the coolness of the grass, the texture of the ground, the dew on our toes and the connection between the living earth beneath our feet and the living soul deep inside the noise of our daily lives.  We need to encourage our kids, family and friends too - let go and GET DIRTY!  And yes, it is very ok to paint the fence with mud and muck from the paddock - because why not?!

Rule #2

Thou shall not say anything to offend anyone.  This one can be a bit tough and I am just touching on the surface of a very complex subject.  As I moved through the world I’ve noticed there seems to be two extremes. Those who speak without thinking, and those who think so much they don’t speak.

On the one side there is so much noise out there – so many voices talking without saying anything. Most times I am not convinced they are really speaking their truth, but merely parroting what they’ve heard.  It is far easier to not think deeply, diversely and thoughtfully but rather to just share un-researched opinions and superficial thoughts and ideas.

On the other side there are those who have quit talking.  The fear of offending someone, the fear of antagonizing someone, the concern that sound bites prevail and good listeners do not so only a fraction of our thought gets out and then gets twisted. Nothing chokes out our voices more than the fear of rejection, ridicule, or confrontation.

We need to learn to both speak and listen with wisdom and compassion from a place of good intention.   We need to be able to have real discussions with safety, with tolerance for diverse thoughts, and we need to become CURIOUS about those different thoughts. We need to deeply embody the knowledge that we cannot possibly know everything so that we may speak with the open mind that opens the door to share and be shared with in return. And maybe most importantly, we need to be able to speak with compassion that we might be saying something that is difficult for others to hear or process. 

And if we are going to speak then we need to be damned ready to listen even more than we speak!  Not listening to respond.  Not thinking ahead.  But being truly in that very moment, hearing what the other is saying, mulling it over, asking questions respectfully, being aware that we don’t know their experiences at all, and considering that what we don’t know is frequently more impactful to the subject than what we do know!

Rule #3

Children should be seen and not heard. This phrase and expectation is a huge wrong being put upon the younger generations!  And a rule that both of my daughters were exposed to in the past and part of the reason my relationship status changed.  Children have sooooo much to say and sooooo much to teach us and we need to listen.  We need to be curious and use those same listening skills I mentioned in Rule #2!  We need to be present and curious about what they are saying or trying to say.   We need to build the environment that encourages them to talk with us.  It is imperative that children grow up learning to speak and being taught how to do so – that takes a great deal of practice and perhaps many of the adults around us are struggling because they did not get that practice.

And we need to listen to the lessons that children are here to teach us too.  Like let’s go outside and play and get dirty!  Let’s ditch the rules and just finger paint all over everything and get messy!  Let’s explore and be in total awe with the natural world around us!  Maybe we adults need to be practicing our listening skills better and actually let the kids lead us sometimes!  Maybe we need to reconnect with our inner child and relearn to play with children!

And the list goes on… rules, rules, rules.  Who determines what haircuts we should have, what clothes we should wear, that tattoos are bad and so on? I have spent most of my life following some very bad rules and am now working through unlearning them and building new patterns.  I am learning to play.  I am learning to create from the inside and not by someone else’s rules.  I am finding my voice again.  None of these are easy and it takes practice…but once you start to feel the freedom, joy, wonder, and awe you can’t go back to those rules.

Think about it the next time a rule stops you from doing something.  Think about it next time you quote one or pass judgment on someone for not following one.  Are you limiting yourself from an experience just because someone in the past made this rule?  Are you limiting someone else for no good reason? 

Yes, yes I know – many rules are there for good reasons and for the greater good of the community but I am just asking you to pause before invoking a rule and question it for a moment.  What do you have to lose?  Who knows, you might actually really enjoy getting dirty outside, skipping cleaning the house to spend time with the family finger painting and so much more!!!